Inhale, exhale.

I used to think I was made for intense seasons. For the five years my family ran a quilt store and cafe, I revelled in a packed schedule. Even when it freaked me out, I kind of relished the challenge of adding 'just one more thing' when it seemed there wasn't room for even half of one more thing. That was me, back then. So the question I'm asking now is: where on earth did that person go?

The last month has been a steady trickle of just-one-more things. Uni things. Finance things. Health things. Brain things. Heart things. Daily life things. Future things. Wondering things. And I've turned into one big Anxious Thing. I should probably mention here that before I was the girl who revelled in the packed schedule, I was the girl who lived in the terror zone. I guess you could call it my special gift -- an unwanted gift, but one in which I particularly excelled. My special skill peaked in my teen years, during which time I really hit the fear zone. It was a time I don't look back on with fondness -- it was pretty crippling, actually -- but it taught me some good things, mostly about how it's not who I am, but who I am in Christ that matters. And that sounds like a pat phrase, but it's really not.

I thought all that stuff was in my backstory, though. Then KABOOM, it suddenly catapulted itself into my present. Whew. Just as ugly and paralysing as it was back when I was seventeen only, like, now. Yuck. Yuck and yuck. And it seems petty and weak because there are people with infinitely huger things going on in their worlds, as well as some very good things going on in my own world (and I promise to tell you about those things), but of course none of that makes sense to a brain when it's on the fritz. Logic puts on its cloak of invisibility.

In the middle of it all, though, and just like back in my teens, this season has sent me running back to the shelter that is true. The truth doesn't take away pain, but it reminds me that it's bearable, that it's for some good reason, and that there is Someone who has promised to keep me within His love. Man, I can't express enough how good that is.


Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy. Psalm 103:2-4

Who I am in Christ is more important than just who I am.

This week someone called me out on something they felt I had got wrong. Essentially, we were both on the same page; we'd just misunderstood each other. But somehow the exchange still left me feeling down -- sad, confused, and even a bit lonely.

When I got to wondering why someone's critique could make me so gloomy, I came to an embarrassing conclusion: once again, I realised I'm too wrapped up in how others perceive me and whether we all agree in sweet, sweet harmony (confessions of a chronic people-pleaser, eep!).

It came back to the lesson God seems to be hammering home lately: who I am is not about who I am, even; it's about who I am in Him. Forgive me for harping on about it. It's just... I'm taking a while for the truth to absorb. It helps that my theology lectures this semester are all about security, and the rock-solid basis of who we are which comes down to Who made us and redeemed us.

So who are you?

Me, well, on my own I'm not much. I'm awkward, full of failings, and my esteem is based on how others view me. But Someone had a different plan for me. He rushed in and ransomed me from all of that (even though sometimes I forget and live like I'm still held captive). He rescued me and then He told me I belonged to Him for now and forever. More than that, He called me His child, and that is who I am. That is the real me. Funny, isn't it? The real me is not even about me. It's about Him.

**********

Thank you times a hundred for joining all the fun of the blog de-lurking party! It was awesome reading your comments and finding out where you're all from -- a big happy mix of old and new friends. Although I was actually sick for most of my birthday week, I do have nice pictures and I was incredibly spoilt. So a picture post is coming soon :).